I have different reminders that I go to to keep me in check. Dr. Seuss’s book, “Because A Bug Went Kachoo” is a big one for me.
I read it when my son was very little but didn’t ‘get’ the significance until much later. (too bad, it would have saved me a lot of frustration and sleepless nights)
I have come to understand that everything in life happens for a reason, that the balance of life and the occurrences are as they should be at any given time. Many times we can tangibly see the domino effect if you will and know that because of ‘this’ there was ‘that’. Other times it takes awhile for the events to reveal themselves to us and quite often we are completely unaware. I would say that is when we get frustrated. We get into ‘victim’ mode and can not see the beautiful, bigger picture that is planned for us.
In the years that followed my divorce from my sons father, I quite often had to simply accept and have faith that a bug had gone kachoo. If I became overwhelmed I would actually write down the series of events that had occurred since our divorce. I would then review all the things I would have to “give up” to have my life unfold the way I thought it should have. (ha ha, as if I was the one behind the wheel). I promise you, there has never been a time when I reflect that I find I am willing to give up all that I have ended up receiving. For example I have friendships that I have made after my divorce that I would not trade for anything, anything, anything in the world. That’s an easy one, there is truly so much more, big and little, that I cherish with all my heart.
I have also learned through this process that equally as often when something unpleasant happened to me I was only the catalyst for someone else. Beause I was where I was, doing what ever it was that I was doing, making what ever choices I was making, someone else in the line of domino’s was directly affected and benefited. Again I, in my heart, know I would not take back that unpleasant event if it meant taking away from someone else.
Faith has to play a big part, actually the whole part, in peacefully accepting that everyday a bug will in fact, go kachoo and the events that follow are as they should be. You may see the out come, you may not, it may be for your benefit or the benefit of a stranger, but like the air we breath is does exist although we may never see it, have faith and know that ; Because A Bug Went Kachoo, sooner or later a celebration will follow…
Friday, January 11, 2008
Val Kilmer and Me
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy cometh in the morning. Psalms 30:5
Our first meeting was when I had to inform Mr. Kilmer that he had missed an appointment and needed to pay for it. Unlike so many other guests he complied with our policy with out questioning it and paid. He didn’t expect preferential treatment or at least not from I saw. We began talking about our kids and that seemed to instantly bond us. Several days later I received a call from him inviting me to dinner. I was ecstatic! I have never told him this, but he and Ed Norton, by far, have always been my favorite actors. Needless to say, I did not hesitate to accept his invitation. We went to the San Diego Zoo and it was really amazing to see how much he loved the animals and how truly intrigued he is with them. Our ‘date’ was casual and silly, yet very surreal.
In the weeks that followed we spent alot of time together and I was able to see him interact with his kids, business associates, fans and on set, very cool. He and I had several walks on the beach and quite often those walks included prayer and bible lessons. He is spiritual, very funny and silly, an amazing father, a good Samaritan, generous beyond anyone I have seen and a gentleman.
I made several trips to New Mexico to visit and stay with him at his beyond describable, beautiful Ranch . I had many opportunities during my visits there to be alone and sit by the river and just be still. Something I had never given myself the chance to do. I met so many wonderful people, made some very good friends and really got along well with his son, truly a fantastic young man.
As he began valuing and trusting my opinions about many things, we began to talk about working together on a variety of projects. I soon made the decision to move to New Mexico. The ground rules were laid out and although something didn’t feel quite right, I got on the plane anyway to begin my new life and career.
Well, my intuition proved again to be right and after only 2 days I was on a plane headed back home. I felt let down, like I had failed, I was disappointed, heart broken, I felt sorry and sad for him, but mostly I felt sooooo stupid and that probably is what hurt the worst. I had no choice but to let myself feel those feelings all while saying over and over, “This too shall pass”, and ”Thy will be done”. I had to rely on faith and faith alone that God had even a bigger plan for me, because I truly felt broken. I just kept thinking, “I can’t go back to the way things were, I just can’t!”
At one of my lowest moments, a song came on the radio by Rascal Flats, titled ”Stand”. I have said so very often, that each time life knocks me down, I get up, wipe the dirt off my knees and keep going. In the song those very words repeat. God is a comedian and he reminded me when I needed to be reminded most, TO GET UP!
Right then, I began to take inventory of my life and fast track everything that I wanted to be different:
Where I lived, my relationship with my son, my career, my friendships, my fear of being alone as well and my drive to recreate and/or retreat to the familiar, my wants and needs for a relationship and, well, just about everything needed to change or be improved upon if I was to ever find joy, love, peace and serenity.
You see, at the time that I met Val, I already had come to the realization that my son had become a man and I realized that I had been hiding behind him the last couple of years, but I couldn’t move. Nothing seemed to motivate me enough to make any changes. I couldn’t intimately commit to a relationship, I couldn’t build on my career, I couldn’t do things for myself with out feeling selffish etc… My curtain, like the one that hid the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, had also been pulled down and I did not know what to do. I did not know who I really was, what I really wanted or even anything that I had passion for. I had allowed several of the events in my life to make me believe that I was not capable of being successful at anything, except making one mistake after another. So I continued to put myself in situations to do what I knew I was good at; taking care of the needs, wants and desires of others…
Although I never lost the smile on my face and continued to make sure I laughed every day, the ugly fact remained that I was stuck, I was paralyzed and I was depressed.
Looking back, I clearly was NOT going to get myself unstuck. I had just watched the Secret and had just started manifesting what I believed I wanted, when Val joined me on my path. It all seemed like a miracle, the Secret worked! Than just as quickly, it was over, so then, I thought the Secret sucked! I pleaded with God to show me what the heck I was suppose to get out of this lesson and he was gracious enough to make it very easy for me, either that, or I was the one finally gracious enough to learn.
I believe with all that I am and all I hold dear, that everything happens for a reason. That because God loves me so much and because he knows me so well and how stubborn I can be, he put Val in my life to jump start me. He put something so big, a famous movie star! Batman! Doc Holiday! I didn’t stop for a minute to think or say, “I can’t to that!!!” Val trusted me with everything in his life. His intimate thoughts, his weaknesses, his desires, his children, his finances and his future plans. Who does that?
Well that was how God thumped me on the head to make me realize that perhaps, just maybe, I should value and trust myself as well.
I was never suppose to save Val, I was never suppose to ride off into the sunset with him. I was suppose to get off my butt and do something with my life that was just for and about me.
My career has now dramatically changed. I moved out of an area that I had lived in my entire adult life and love it! I now enjoy my time alone. My relationship with my son is becoming everything I could ask for. He is also becoming strong and independent now that I’m not clinging to him. I’m even putting my thoughts out in the open for the world to see and I’m not worried how or even if I am judged. I finally sleep at night knowing exactly what my life is worth and what I want to do with it. It is all so crystal clear and I am at peace because I no longer fear the future and excitedly live for today.
From the start Val and I were kindred spirits and share an unconditional friendship (believe me it has been tested). The romantic relationship may have disappeared as time went on, but was replaced by a genuine concern for the other persons well being.
I am grateful for the friendship with Val Kilmer that God gave me. Although Val may not even be aware of it, together they put a spark up my behind that moved me out of my own way and forced me to believe and trust in myself and nothing can stop me now…
Filed under: Everything Happens For a Reason
Our first meeting was when I had to inform Mr. Kilmer that he had missed an appointment and needed to pay for it. Unlike so many other guests he complied with our policy with out questioning it and paid. He didn’t expect preferential treatment or at least not from I saw. We began talking about our kids and that seemed to instantly bond us. Several days later I received a call from him inviting me to dinner. I was ecstatic! I have never told him this, but he and Ed Norton, by far, have always been my favorite actors. Needless to say, I did not hesitate to accept his invitation. We went to the San Diego Zoo and it was really amazing to see how much he loved the animals and how truly intrigued he is with them. Our ‘date’ was casual and silly, yet very surreal.
In the weeks that followed we spent alot of time together and I was able to see him interact with his kids, business associates, fans and on set, very cool. He and I had several walks on the beach and quite often those walks included prayer and bible lessons. He is spiritual, very funny and silly, an amazing father, a good Samaritan, generous beyond anyone I have seen and a gentleman.
I made several trips to New Mexico to visit and stay with him at his beyond describable, beautiful Ranch . I had many opportunities during my visits there to be alone and sit by the river and just be still. Something I had never given myself the chance to do. I met so many wonderful people, made some very good friends and really got along well with his son, truly a fantastic young man.
As he began valuing and trusting my opinions about many things, we began to talk about working together on a variety of projects. I soon made the decision to move to New Mexico. The ground rules were laid out and although something didn’t feel quite right, I got on the plane anyway to begin my new life and career.
Well, my intuition proved again to be right and after only 2 days I was on a plane headed back home. I felt let down, like I had failed, I was disappointed, heart broken, I felt sorry and sad for him, but mostly I felt sooooo stupid and that probably is what hurt the worst. I had no choice but to let myself feel those feelings all while saying over and over, “This too shall pass”, and ”Thy will be done”. I had to rely on faith and faith alone that God had even a bigger plan for me, because I truly felt broken. I just kept thinking, “I can’t go back to the way things were, I just can’t!”
At one of my lowest moments, a song came on the radio by Rascal Flats, titled ”Stand”. I have said so very often, that each time life knocks me down, I get up, wipe the dirt off my knees and keep going. In the song those very words repeat. God is a comedian and he reminded me when I needed to be reminded most, TO GET UP!
Right then, I began to take inventory of my life and fast track everything that I wanted to be different:
Where I lived, my relationship with my son, my career, my friendships, my fear of being alone as well and my drive to recreate and/or retreat to the familiar, my wants and needs for a relationship and, well, just about everything needed to change or be improved upon if I was to ever find joy, love, peace and serenity.
You see, at the time that I met Val, I already had come to the realization that my son had become a man and I realized that I had been hiding behind him the last couple of years, but I couldn’t move. Nothing seemed to motivate me enough to make any changes. I couldn’t intimately commit to a relationship, I couldn’t build on my career, I couldn’t do things for myself with out feeling selffish etc… My curtain, like the one that hid the wizard in the Wizard of Oz, had also been pulled down and I did not know what to do. I did not know who I really was, what I really wanted or even anything that I had passion for. I had allowed several of the events in my life to make me believe that I was not capable of being successful at anything, except making one mistake after another. So I continued to put myself in situations to do what I knew I was good at; taking care of the needs, wants and desires of others…
Although I never lost the smile on my face and continued to make sure I laughed every day, the ugly fact remained that I was stuck, I was paralyzed and I was depressed.
Looking back, I clearly was NOT going to get myself unstuck. I had just watched the Secret and had just started manifesting what I believed I wanted, when Val joined me on my path. It all seemed like a miracle, the Secret worked! Than just as quickly, it was over, so then, I thought the Secret sucked! I pleaded with God to show me what the heck I was suppose to get out of this lesson and he was gracious enough to make it very easy for me, either that, or I was the one finally gracious enough to learn.
I believe with all that I am and all I hold dear, that everything happens for a reason. That because God loves me so much and because he knows me so well and how stubborn I can be, he put Val in my life to jump start me. He put something so big, a famous movie star! Batman! Doc Holiday! I didn’t stop for a minute to think or say, “I can’t to that!!!” Val trusted me with everything in his life. His intimate thoughts, his weaknesses, his desires, his children, his finances and his future plans. Who does that?
Well that was how God thumped me on the head to make me realize that perhaps, just maybe, I should value and trust myself as well.
I was never suppose to save Val, I was never suppose to ride off into the sunset with him. I was suppose to get off my butt and do something with my life that was just for and about me.
My career has now dramatically changed. I moved out of an area that I had lived in my entire adult life and love it! I now enjoy my time alone. My relationship with my son is becoming everything I could ask for. He is also becoming strong and independent now that I’m not clinging to him. I’m even putting my thoughts out in the open for the world to see and I’m not worried how or even if I am judged. I finally sleep at night knowing exactly what my life is worth and what I want to do with it. It is all so crystal clear and I am at peace because I no longer fear the future and excitedly live for today.
From the start Val and I were kindred spirits and share an unconditional friendship (believe me it has been tested). The romantic relationship may have disappeared as time went on, but was replaced by a genuine concern for the other persons well being.
I am grateful for the friendship with Val Kilmer that God gave me. Although Val may not even be aware of it, together they put a spark up my behind that moved me out of my own way and forced me to believe and trust in myself and nothing can stop me now…
Filed under: Everything Happens For a Reason
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